From yesterday producing my shortest poem of this project so far, comes today and the longest of the project so far.
This poem is inspired by a few things. Firstly it’s inspired by the poem ‘The Circus’ by Kenneth Koch, which is a poem about Kenneth Koch writing a poem called ‘The Circus’ (you should check it out, it’s really good). Secondly, the character of the poem’s poem is inspired by the poem ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Thirdly the character’s poem is also inspired by the poem I wrote a couple of days after reading ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ which was supposed to be a comic take on it, but was in actuality just really shit (some of the lines from the character’s poem are either directly taken or adapted from lines from this poem (which never had a title)). Fourthly, it’s inspired by some videos I watched on YouTube of possibly the worst performance poet I’ve ever seen. I really wish I could remember what his name was. It wasn’t just that his performance was stale and cheesy as fuck, his poems were all truly dreadful and every single one of them (I watched about 10 of his videos, I was so car-crash fascinated - “This guy actually thinks he’s good?!”) was performed in exactly the same way and written in the same register with the exact same structure and rhyme scheme. He was just dreadful. So yes, the character’s poem is supposed to be not very good. I hope I’ve made that come across, but I hope there’s enough in it that will raise chuckles and still be kind of enjoyable.
Anyway, here’s the poem.

When I was a pirate,
if there was a hole in our ship,
the captain would make me
plug it up with my bottom.
All the crew would laugh
as I dropped trou and placed
my backside into the gap.
I didn’t mind though.
For one thing, I think
it’s good for morale to be kept up.
Secondly, this situation meant
I could take a discreet shit
without the fear of someone seeing
and trying to push me in the sea.
Thirdly, it meant I didn’t have to do any work.
I never understood why people hated plugging up holes.
I loved sitting there, watching things,
letting my mind wander.

Here’s an odd thing.
When I was on plug duty,
I would think up poetry.
Sadly, by the time I had the chance
to write it down, I’d almost always forgotten it.
I managed to get a few written though.
Most of them are short fun rhymes
like one called My Captain.

My captain is an arse sometimes
especially on the rum,
one day I’ll kick him overboard
an’ a shark’ll bite his bum.

(Heh heh, I like that one.)

The one I’m most proud of though
is a really long one that took weeks
to write. I had thirty days plugging
in a row, and I’d recently read that
Rime of the Ancient Mariner poem.
I came up with my own take on it.
I’ll read you a bit.

It’s called Poem of the Modern Cabin Boy.

Once upon a time
when I was a cabin boy
I remember out of nowhere
all the crew shouted with joy.
I went onto the deck
to see why there was such a fuss
and couldn’t believe my eyes
when I saw an albatross.

Now, I’ve read that Coleridge poem.
I knew if we played this wrong
where this was going.

The crew stood around
with a glow in their cheeks
admiring this bird.
Then it opened its beak.

“You bunch of fat fucks!
You lot call yourselves crewmen?
You all look like ladies
with buns in your ovens!”

Everyone laughed
as it strutted about,
trying to wind us all
up with its shouts.

“Your dicks are all tiny!
You’re thick in the head!
I’ve heard from your women
you’re all shit in bed!
Your weaponry skills
are the shame of the nation,
the only thing you lot
could kill’s conversation!
Your Mums are all whores,
your Dad’s stink of dog shite!
What do you get up to
in those cabins at night?”

This went on for hours
till suddenly Jack
took offence at a certain
barbed comment and cracked.
He screamed at the albatross,
then, like a dart,
ran across the ship
and stabbed it in the heart.

Dead, the bird fell
and then sank out of sight.
This made the sea angry,
we soon felt its might.

We fought head to head
with a thousand blue whales,
hundreds of swordfish flew
tearing our sails.
Then a cluster of sea turtles
struck with a blast
as a giant crab made of crabs
cut off our masts.
A number of dolphins
pushed us into a typhoon.
“God help us!” We cried
and a cannon went BOOM!
The captain was firing…

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there.

When piracy was made illegal,
I decided to open a pet shop.
I tried to keep up the poetry,
but found I had a lot less thinking time.
I wrote a couple of things early on
but I wasn’t happy with them
so I just sort of, stopped.

I’ve always loved animals.
I’d have liked to have been a vet
if I’d done better at school.
My shop was great though,
and it meant I was doing something
I really cared about every day.
Piracy wasn’t really for me.
My heart just wasn’t in it.

It’s weird though. Sometimes I think
I was never happier than when
I was composing poetry
with my bum in a hole in a boat.
I think that’s why I like
being on the toilet so much.
It’s the closest I get to that feeling.
I never come up with anything new,
just remember what it was like to.